The Truth About Forgiveness10 min read

     Forgiveness. What is it, and how does God require us to grant it? Is forgiveness excusing sin? Does it automatically make us trust someone once again? Does God expect us to "forgive and forget"? And, should forgiveness be extended even to those who do not ask for it, nor feel that they in any way need it from us? These questions are sometimes difficult to answer, especially when we are involved in a hurtful situation; but having a clear grasp of what forgiveness truly entails will help us wholeheartedly forgive those who trespass against us.

What Forgiveness Is Not

     First, let's start with what forgiveness is not. There are common misconceptions regarding the definition and nature of forgiveness. One such misconception is that forgiveness means letting the offender "off the hook," or having to excuse their sin no matter how hurtful it was. But while God does not want us to keep that person on our "hook," He does want us to release that person unto His "hook," for He is the ultimate avenger and judge over all things (Leviticus 19:18; Romans 12:19-20), and He alone will deal with the person in a perfectly just and loving way.

    Another misconception is that forgiveness is the same as reconciliation. Reconciliation, however, is brought about through forgiveness, so that they are different. Forgiveness must happen first, and then reconciliation can occur. We can forgive others without seeking reconciliation, but reconciliation rarely happens without forgiveness. As June Hunt aptly says in her book Counseling Through Your Bible Handbook, "It takes two for reconciliation, but only one for forgiveness." It is interesting to note that even though we do not seek God in order to be forgiven, He first seeks us because He loves us, and desires to forgive us and be reconciled to Him—He did this through Christ on the Cross.

     A third misconception is that forgiveness is merely a means to an end, and that end is peace with oneself and freedom from the other person's psychological "grasp" and "influence" in our lives." This is a popular psychological teaching that has infiltrated the Church; that we should forgive because only then will we be "free." But that is not the purpose of forgiveness, and it simply shows how selfish we can be—that forgiveness is about us and our well being. Yet even if we grant that forgiveness has these benefits (even according to the Bible), the Bible also makes it clear—as we'll see later—that forgiveness is about reconciliation and about the restoration of a relationship, especially that of ours (and others') with God.

What Forgiveness Is

    Now let's turn to what forgiveness is. The biblical definition of forgiveness is: to cancel a debt, to pardon someone for an offense. When we forgive people, we do not hold them accountable to us for repaying their debt (e.g., they owe us an apology, or must correct their wrongdoing); we also do away with our resentment towards them. God forgives His people by canceling the debt they owe Him due to their accumulated sin against Him. This does not mean that God merely excuses people's sin, or chooses not to punish them for it (for then He would be unjust); instead, He punishes another in their place (animals in the O.T.; Christ in the N.T.).

      In the Old Testament times, people's sins and trespasses were atoned for and covered through repentance and the sacrificial system (Deuteronomy 21:8; Numbers 14:19-2). The person's attitude towards their sin and God, however, was highly important, so that it was imprudent to think that God was pleased with someone who would sin and then casually or halfheartedly perform sacrifices in order to be forgiven (1 Samuel 15:22; Proverbs 21:3). In the New Testament, our forgiveness comes through Jesus' sacrifice. Colossians 1:13-14 says, "He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the Kingdom of His beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins."

     The shedding of blood was crucial for the forgiveness of sin so that without it, no one could be forgiven. Hebrews 9:22 says, "Under the Law, almost everything is purified with blood, and without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness of sins." But this fact should not have us think that forgiveness can be earned (either then or now)—it is still a gift of God. Also, the Old Testament sacrifices were not enough to completely forgive people and wash away their sins. The Old Testament sacrifices, then, were but a foreshadowing of the ultimate sacrifice that Jesus would perform (Hebrews 10:1-4). Jesus' one and only sacrifice was enough to forgive us (Hebrews 7:27-28, 10:10; Romans 6:10; and 1 Peter 3:18). 

Forgive & Forget?

     Another aspect of forgiveness that is often affirmed is that we do not truly forgive someone until we forget their offenses. We are told, therefore, to "forgive and forget." Well-meaning Christians usually cite Hebrews 8:12 (which is a quote from Isaiah 43:25) to support their case. Speaking of God, the Hebrews verse says, "For I will be merciful toward their iniquities, and I will remember their sins no more." It is then asserted that since God "forgets" our sins, we are to forget others' sins as well. But is that what "forget" means in this verse?

     First, let me quote Dr. Tony Evans: "You ain't God!" The point is, that, even if God could "forget" our sins (which is odd to say, because He is omniscient), this does not mean that we have the ability to do the same—we are not God. We do not receive a dose of "holy amnesia," to quote Hunt, when we become Christians to help us forget others' sins against us. This is not how it works. But if to "forget" sins simply means to "not hold against," then this surely is attainable, and indeed a commandment of the Lord. We are to forgive others, not holding their sins against them, as God—in Christ—does for us.

     When we extend forgiveness, we are choosing not to seek retribution, not to get even, not to have the offender suffer our wrath and be held liable for the offense for as long as they live. While entirely forgetting the sin is not possible (unless, perhaps, one truly has amnesia), failing to remember—in the sense of not holding on to the pain, sting, resentment, bitterness, hurt, and unloving feelings towards the offender—can be accomplished through God's Holy Spirit, prayer, and focusing on what is good (Philippians 4:8)...and on what Christ has done for us: forgiven us (Colossians 3:13; Ephesians 4:31-32). 

Should Only Those Who Ask Be Forgiven?

     Now we get to a thorny issue: should we as Christians forgive only those who have realized their sins against us and then actually ask for forgiveness, or should forgiveness be given unconditionally? The reason this is a difficult question is that nowhere in the Bible does God ever forgive anyone for sinning unless they repent of it. Seemingly, then, if we were to say that we should forgive others unconditionally (even if they do not repent), we would be going against all of Scripture. Even in Jesus' parable of the unforgiving slave in Matthew 18, the slave pleaded with his Master. 

    Yet, if we take that stance, what about those times when we coincidentally or unintentionally sin, or even forget to repent of the sins we did the day before—would that mean we are not forgiven since we did not repent and ask for forgiveness, which is what God requires? This problem leads us to the answer: Jesus paid for all of our sins—past, present, and future, and once we believed in Him all of our sins were atoned for. So, the question becomes: having been forgiven so much through Jesus, do we as Christian have the right not to forgive our offenders because they do not repent? We believe the answer is, emphatically, no.

     To settle this issue once and for all, if we were to require people to ask for forgiveness before we extended our forgiveness (and even forgave them in our hearts), we would be acting in God's place. But God alone is the Holy, Perfect, and Just One, able to require of anyone their repentance in order to be forgiven...we are not. We cannot hold people under our wrath, condemnation, judgment, and anger until they repent to "teach them a lesson." We are called to extend God's grace to people, just as He extended His grace to us in Christ Jesus. If we merely show mercy and give grace when people repent and ask for forgiveness, we would not be acting graciously, for the offender would have earned our forgiveness by repenting—this is not what God calls us to be like.

     Now this, of course, does not mean that we will be automatically reconciled to our offender when we forgive them. Remember, forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation. While in our hearts we may forgive someone their offenses, it may take time to fully trust the offender and be reconciled to them, especially if they never repent (whether because of pride, denial, or ignorance). This is why Jesus makes a big deal about telling our offenders of their transgressions against us so that they would have a chance to repent, ask for forgiveness, and begin the reconciliation period (especially with God, if they committed sin). But even if we do tell them and they do not repent (assuming we are correct about their offense), we have no right not to forgive them, even if we choose to distance ourselves from them. But, we should keep the following in mind...

Why Christians Should Forgive

     So now that we have developed a clear understanding of what forgiveness is and entails, we must answer the question, "Why should Christians forgive"? To find the answer to this question, we must understand the purpose of forgiveness. Forgiveness, at its core, is given and received in order that a relationship may be restored—whether that relationship is between God and man, or man and man. God is a God of reconciliation, and He expects us to be reconciled with each other (especially Christians), just as He reconciled us to Him through Christ. So important is reconciliation to God, that He says, "If you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First, be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift" (Matthew 5:23-24).       

     Forgiving others is also a kind of testimony to the world that Christ lives in us. When we forgive our brothers and sisters in Christ, we are proving to others that we love God and are indeed Jesus' disciples (John 13:34-35). But what about unbelievers, should we forgive them just the same when they sin against us? Some situations would be undeniably difficult to extend forgiveness towards the offender (e.g., rape, murder, child abuse, etc.); but we believe that, while it may be difficult (or even unwise) to be reconciled to the perpetrator of these acts, God desires for us to forgive them in order that they may perhaps be reconciled to Him. God's perfect love and grace are on full display in us when we forgive those we deem unworthy of our forgiveness because, after all, we are also unworthy of His forgiveness!

     As Christians, we forgive because we have been forgiven (Colossians 3:13); we forgive because we have been loved so much, and so are to love others in return. When we love, we "let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from [us], along with all malice. [We are] kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave [us]" (Ephesians 4:31-32). A humbling verse that Jesus Himself says in Matthew 6:14-15 is, "If you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses."

     Although the verse above does not speak of eternal forgiveness (salvation), it does imply that our relationship with God is hindered when we do not forgive; and 1 John 1:9 shows us how to restore our relationship with God when we do sin. Now, may the Spirit of God guide us all when we face the various trials in this life that call us to extend His grace, mercy, and forgiveness to those whom Christ died for as well. And let us remember Jesus' words in the sermon on the mount: "Blessed are the merciful, for they shall be shown mercy" (Matthew 5:7).